Finding the middle

I have a hard time finding the middle of anything…

Whether it is emotion or productivity. Extremist is the word I would use for myself. I may be happy but unless über excited may not appear to be happy. I do however, get an attitude and sarcastic when I am hurt or angry. But no outbursts or displays of anger otherwise unless I am really pissed off and that takes quite a bit.

As far as productivity goes I can’t seem to do just enough or a small amount, spread things over time etc…Once I start something I cannot stop until it is complete and that includes any rabbit trails I go down in the process. This does cause anxiety for me because I have a have to get it done, work before play, driven focused attitude. It does come in handy and is so useful but it can also be crippling for me. If I am too exhausted or there is not enough time I can’t move on…I just veg. I act as if I have nothing to do and so do nothing. All the while becoming anxious of what I know needs to be done, what I want to do….

It is really a horrible cycle and there is no winning. See when I am doing something I don’t focus on much of anything else and when I am not doing anything I focus on what needs to be done. Make sense? You think I am crazy right?

I try hard not to force this on my kids, not to make them like me and so I try not to enter into their rooms. I love organization. I love clean. I love neat. I feel peace and warm fuzzies when things are that way. I twitch and my heart beats faster and I get lots of anxiety when things are not organized, clean or neat.

My kids need to clean up their rooms, take pride in their space and learn how to do those things. If I go into their rooms I end up cleaning and organizing or freak out. Neither is good.

So with me asking them to clean their rooms and not going in them, just peeking, I did well with that for a while. As long as I saw the carpet and their desks were usable I let it be. If I walk in too far I will see stuff shoved, piled and not put away and then I begin dragging it out, micro-managing, organizing it myself and throwing out. 2 Hours later we all leave the room, stressed, hot and frustrated.

However, a few weeks ago sis and fam were here. Prior to that I wanted Josh & Mercie’s room neat. Things organized so all the kids could find what they wanted to play with and because when you start out with beautiful and tidy it is easier to clean it up. I put off doing it till the last-minute. It made me anxious to try to let them do it… it really stressed me out to ridiculous degrees. One afternoon I buckled down and just did it…the process drove me mad because I knew if I had cleaned earlier it would not have been so bad….

Most days I stay in a somewhat normal range with it all. But lately, either I am just going crazy or my thyroid meds need tweaking  because if I get going I find myself cleaning the floor on my hands and knees, dusting 3 times a day, cooking more food than we need, doing 2 workouts and making 3, yes 3 batches of cookies in one day!

That was yesterday…today what did I do? Only the work I had to do for my job (took all of 30 minutes) and grabbing more fruit at the store. I had 4 hours by myself and 2 hours with just 1 kiddo and all she wanted to do was draw. I could have done so much. But I vegged and watched TV. Not long ago I would have repeated yesterdays tasks because we have dust today too, the floors are dirty again and I like to cook. When the kids were younger and took naps that’s all I did everyday during nap time, cleaned my house. I know it will never always be clean and once I dust more dust falls etc…etc…etc…the problem is me not being able to find the middle.

I cannot, and I have tried, to be the person who launders on one day, mops the next, etc.. kind of thing. Once you clean something another thing looks dirty and I HAVE to clean it, I cannot let it go and be ok with it. J will tell you nights I would stay up late to get something cleaned or to rearrange the furniture because I could not wait till morning. It would just drive me nuts not to finish it before play or sleep. He does wish I would be that way with other things. I don’t know how to make the jump….I wish the same. I wish I could  distribute the work throughout the week and be OK, not anxious or frustrated but relax and find peace with it.

Maybe I am crazy, manic, or my thyroid meds are off or there is some other issue going on….I am not sure at this point….But I would like to be different. I want to be more relaxed and easy-going about it all.


3 Responses to “Finding the middle”

  1. 1 Amy
    February 1, 2012 at 7:04 PM

    Wow, that’s a lot in one post! If it makes you feel better about the kids rooms, you should let that go. I was the messiest, dirtiest kid with the nastiest room and I am now an organizational freak. Out of 4 kids, you have a 50/50 shot at having some be just as organized as you later! And as far as finding the middle ground, I read two different things there. One, maybe you just feel a lack of “physical” middle ground. Where you either go to bed feeling accomplished or lazy. But, if you were to look at one week overall instead of one day, you’d start noticing you have a very balanced middle ground with your accomplishments. It may help you to assess one week of work instead of one day of work.
    The second thing I read there is you feeling a lack of “mental” middle ground. I don’t know much about the thyroid thing, but I’ve always considered my extreme moods to be a blessing of being female 😉 Not to mention, if you were to list all of the fires you’ve got burning right now, you would be writing a post titled “wonder woman” 😉
    Hugs cuz!

    • 2 Bronwyn
      February 1, 2012 at 7:47 PM

      yeah, I like that…look at the week thing. I don’t thik i ever do that. just a one day at a time thing. I do plan out my week with activites, appointments etc but not the everyday junk. i do like to feel accomplished at the end of the day and I know I can’t accomplish everything everyday but I need to be OK with that and be proud of what I did do even if it was rest and cuddles. thanks girl! love ya!

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