When you are not suppose to feel alone…

Lately, I find myself in an odd situation, for me anyway.

I come from a long line of pastors and missionaries so I grew up in the church. I love church, I love God more. I enjoy serving others and the sense of community you feel at church, there is nothing like it. Our church in CA was wonderful. We had an amazing small group. I had several great girlfriends and we shared our lives with each other and our kids were each others first friends. It was beautiful. We had two great pastors during our time there and I loved the ministries I served on. It was such a blessing.

But, right now, at this time in my life I can’t say the same thing. We are not part of a small group. Jason’s travel makes it difficult for many reasons. I know some great people at our church but there is only interaction during the Sunday church hours. I do have one dear and beautiful friend (here in town) that I share my life with and vice versa. When Jason is home the hubbies share life together and our kids love to play together. But we attend different churches. My other close and dear to me people live elsewhere in the United States and we keep up via email, text and phone calls. Not my ideal but it is still a beautiful relationship with all of them.

Although, I know many people here and can carry on a conversation with them that is as far as it goes. Some I chose to not let it go farther. Others, well our lives are so different it is difficult to have more than casual chit-chat. And, then there are the list of painful and horrid friend issues that have happened in the recent past that helped rebuild my walls for keeping others out. Yet, there are others whom express interest in more and so I initiate and it falls on deaf ears and an invitation that is never responded to….. so what have I done? Stopped. Stopped trying. I have grown tired of trying to grow my circle of people locally. The sad part is most of them I expected more….more because I thought there was sincerity, more because it was always a topic of conversation and more because well we share a common belief and frankly I expect more from people who love God.

Ok, now I know we all fall short and we can never be perfect. I am not and I have a long, long list of my failures and relationships I screwed up, never cared about or let go for stupid reasons. But you are not supposed to feel alone at church. Or at least I don’t think anyone should. But I do. I do not feel a sense of community. I do not feel more than just a visitor most weeks. Now, there are those who do ask how life is going because they do genuinely care and who I know pray for my family. We just don’t go any deeper or share anymore. Why is this? I am not sure. I do realize it could all be me and just something I am going through, something I need to learn. I also ponder if it is time to revisit if we are where we need to be. If we are to be at another church…. I don’t have the answers yet, not sure when I will.

PLEASE understand, by no means am I trying or wanting to create any negative thoughts about our church. I don’t have any… I believe our church is a strong and sound church living biblically and loving all people. I am just in a place in my life that what I have always known about a community in church is not what I am currently experiencing and I long for it. What I need may come from our church, it may come from another church we are led to and it may never come and I need to learn to live differently right now focusing on other things than my desire to have that sense of community.


5 Responses to “When you are not suppose to feel alone…”

  1. 1 Heather
    September 24, 2012 at 4:54 PM

    This makes me so sad Bronwyn! I wish I was there to give you a big hug! You are an amazing person and friend. I will pray for you to find some deeper friendships that are godly, positive and encouraging. I know God has something special for you because you are His faithful child and such a light to everyone around you. I love and miss you!! ~ Heather

  2. October 2, 2012 at 8:14 PM

    I know I’m kind of late to respond here 🙂 But I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and feel the same way! It’s hard when you have experienced such an awesome group/support/friend system and then nothing else seems to come close to it once you leave that! I hope and pray something changes for both of us soon! Miss you sweet lady! Kyle

  3. February 12, 2013 at 11:44 PM

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    It’s good to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t
    the same outdated rehashed material. Wonderful read!
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