Oh the things I could write…

I love reading those blogs where people pour out their real self. They let you into their life and show you the best of them, the worst and the downright ugly. I like to know the real-ness of people and not the sugar-coated crap they like to tell everyone or how they exaggerate their life a bit on social media sites. I feel close to those strangers who are real and pour out their heart and soul and all their flaws… I can relate to them. I can see myself in parts of their life because I have been there, felt that or done that thing that you wonder if you should even verbalize it to your BFF.

My mind often wanders to all the real stuff I could post here…but then I don’t. Sometimes I do, most times I keep it all in my head. I am still not comfortable with airing my real-ness, my weakness and my own crazy. Pour me a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and start chatting… eventually I will open up given there are no interruptions and something doesn’t strike me in a way that a wall goes up so fast I have no idea I built it. Frankly, I have less than 10 people I have been so open with in my 36 years and I am sure I wasn’t as open as I thought I was.

From early on in my childhood I remember having a sense of building walls and not letting anyone in. It started with words people would say to me, negative talk, destructive chatter. I tried to be better so I could get recognition from them, affirmation, prove them wrong… If I had a to do list, a plan on how to behave, act, work I was good. If I execute the plan then I am OK. I wouldn’t doubt that I took my parents instructions for using manners, being polite and respectable to the level of ‘look perfect and be perfect.’ (They never said those words, they never expected that… I just know I felt that’s what I had to do) I struggle today with perfectionism in many areas as well as self-image. I know the times and events that helped sky-rocket these things to the level they are today. But addressing them, confronting them and changing is not pleasant, it’s uncomfortable, painful, embarrassing…and so on… none of which make it easy for someone who is a conflict avoider, stuffer and just wants to move on…Then there are those life events that were so painful, that cut you to the core that a wall was put up and you never let anyone in. It was for my own protection, to seem strong and to guard the intense pain I felt at that moment. Once you start building walls that’s all you do, it’s hard to stop. When you try, or begin to chip them away and you are hurt, offended you build it quicker and stronger…

Oh the things I could write on here when I get past my own self and decide to just put it out there, be accountable…the funny part is 4 of my 6 readers of this blog are family…so no one will know any more today than yesterday… Some family members may not believe I put these thoughts to pen, not sure if any of it will be news for them either. Aren’t you the last to find out how you are, everyone else can see it, right?! But I find writing it down is cathartic and although I have journaled on occasion it’s not the same as purging when someone else might just understand you, maybe, when you hope you hear an “I can relate, I thought I was all alone in my struggle. I do the same thing. I now understand how my spouse or friend feels”

Journaling is cheaper than therapy it is also easier than speaking. There are no interruptions or others opinions being thrown in causing you to get side tracked, forget your thought process etc… I don’t mind the thoughts of others I just like to get it all out then chat about it… OK, maybe chat about it. I can get defensive real quick, in fact maybe I just start out defensive because I have  tattoos that have become a permanent part of my thinking about myself and how others view me that before a conversation starts I am assuming you think this or that about me…then there is the fact that a lot of times I do not fully understand what someone else is saying which leads to other thoughts or feelings, frustration and then I wanna be done with it altogether due to those tattoos… (I say tattoos because it describes how etched things are in my mind, how things changed me and the difficulty to get rid of them. Tapes can be thrown out, erased…tattoos take time, can be painful to remove)

I know in my head that if I get these things out I could feel better, the load could be lighter and I just might be able to fix a few things. The way I relate to others may improve and maybe myself talk, self-image could look better. It all starts somewhere and baby steps are just fine…it’s the keep moving forward that I get hung up on. I may start but I usually fall back a bit or stop altogether when it gets too uncomfortable. But raising 4 kids, 3 who are girls, who I want to be bold, confident and secure and I want all 4 to be fully able in a healthy manner to convey who they are, how they feel and what they want so all of their encounters and relationships have less hills and valleys and less walls than I have I know I need to keep moving forward.

Over the years of knowing my husband (he has a minor in psychology and can speak freely and let others know his thoughts with more ease) I slowly see how my lack of being able to express myself, how I feel, is an issue. I have seen it for a while but I tend to act like an ostrich with its head in the sand. Of course, this is more evident when we are embroiled in a discussion that turns emotional. I don’t see those times coming in advance to stop them…. I am lucky he has put up with me for the 16 years he has known me. He has dealt with my walls and dealt with the pain of being on the other side. He tries to help me break them down, and I am thankful for that. I have also seen counselors various times for various reasons and been in Bible studies or groups to assist with the process. It’s not that the stuff doesn’t work I just don’t let it work. But, this week some things have hit me, sunk in like they haven’t before. Things have been revealed through my own reading, from the study I am in right now, from a conversation J and I had a few nights ago… there has been self realizations and finally getting some of the stuff I have heard for a long time….

So here I am airing a few things to people I know and don’t know, getting it out of the four walls in my home and those who live here. I know I am loved and safe with my husband and kids- its mostly the rest of the world I fear for not liking me. I am trying to be open, really open and vulnerable, trying to improve, trying to just get the ugly out and being OK that you will either love it or hate it and your view of me not affecting me, and trying to be secure in all my strengths and weaknesses.

One wall at a time…


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April 2013
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