It’s so damn hard!

It’s June 6. In 80 days my baby starts in kindergarten and I will be at home for 8 hours without any kids. It has been TWELVE years since I went home to an empty house. I told J he HAS TO take the ENTIRE day off and plan activities for me! My bff Emily may be coming to TX for the big day….after she send her baby off to college. What a mess we will be.

I was glad when preschool was over. 9 years of doing preschool was long enough. I look forward to doing all the mommy errands, cooking and cleaning while they are all at school so I can focus on them when they get home. But I am not ready for this phase. Emotionally I am a wreck if I actually think about what it means. Today did not help me, it just smacked me in the face that this phase in life is over.

lil mercieBeary is Mercie’s lovey. It has gone EVERYWHERE with her for the last 5 years. Panic and anxiety engulf her when beary is not around. When she is upset she has to have it. She sticks it under her nose and inhales deeply… the amount of deep breaths indicate how stressed she was.

She looks the same today as she does in the picture. One night beary was misplaced and she had to go to bed while J and I still searched. That night we just could not find it so we went on to bed. She woke up 4 times that night screaming, even after she came to sleep with us in our bed, because she needed beary. Since then everyone stays up to find beary whenever he is lost.


So since August last year we have had chats about how beary cannot go to kindergarten with her. I talk about how mommy has to baby-sit beary and that I will bring him when I pick her up from school. She seems fine with it and she will tell others I will be beary’s babysitter.

BUT, today we were out running errands and we get to the first store (not close to home) and she forgot beary. She thought he was in her bag but he was not. She panicked and started to cry. I had to console her and let her know beary probably needed a nap and that’s why he stayed home. Shopping went fine and on our way home she tears up and her voice cracks as she says “momma, this was the first time I left beary, he wasn’t with me.” I almost lost it, couldn’t bear seeing her sad eyes and hearing her choke back crying trying to be a big girl. I asked her if she was OK or if it was a hard day. She tells me it was hard but she will be OK since we are on our way home.

Well, right now, as I have typed this I have turned into a blubbering mess…..I am not sure how the first few days of kindergarten will be. I worry about the tough or stressful times when her little heart might hurt at school and she doesn’t have beary to sniff. That’s not something I can think about for long…. I just may be found sniffing beary come August 26.


5 Responses to “It’s so damn hard!”

  1. 1 robin
    June 6, 2013 at 7:52 PM

    Twelve years of mommying full time will pay off for all four. You however, will need a little pampering after investing so much of yourself for those years. Most of us don’t make it for the first five! Love you!

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