25
Aug
13

Let’s not talk about it!

Tomorrow is the first day of another school year.
Tomorrow is the first day of kindergarten for my baby.
Tomorrow is the first day in TWELVE YEARS I will be coming home from school drop off without a little person to bake cookies with, ride bikes with, take to the park and cuddle on the couch during favorite preschool shows.

THIS IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!

I knew it would be hard and I knew I would be sad but I woke up sad today and have already had an ugly cry that left me stuffy and sore. I am still on the verge of the next ugly cry.

Earlier this year I was done with preschool. We did that dance for 9 years. I was done with driving to and from 3 different schools.

I know it is good to loosen and untie apron strings.

I know I have been a good mom.

I know I will enjoy more of me time and will be able to accomplish more things while they are all in school.

I know this is a part of life.

I am happy that I have strong independent children.

I am happy that Mercie is excited and ready to go to big school.

I am happy she has been such a big girl and has worked on being without beary this summer.

But I am heart-broken. My heart aches deeply that I am sending my baby off to big school. It is a huge milestone for everyone. It is irrefutable proof that we are exiting one stage of life and entering the next and right now I am not happy about that. I miss so many things from the newborn, baby, toddler stages of life. And yes, there are many things from those stages I do not miss but what I miss out weighs all of the other stuff. All of which hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks last Monday.

Our long time sitter Aimme gave birth to her first-born child on Aug. 18. She has been such a huge part of our family and all 6 of us adore her and she and her husband love the kids. I cried when she told me she was pregnant. I was so excited and couldn’t wait for her baby….so we went to see the new little family last Monday. We are were very excited and Aimee, Jeff and Aimee’s mom were excited we came to see them and be introduced to Paul. But as I picked him up for the first time I sobbed… I cried like a baby myself and there was no way it could be contained. The tears came out fast. I didn’t want to share him and I didn’t want to go home. I sobbed more on the drive home. I loved the rush of emotions I had after giving birth, it is hard to describe but it was a sweet feeling and overwhelmingly beautiful. I loved nursing and baby cuddles and sleeping with my kids on my chest. I loved watching them all learn the world around them and well just everything about babies.

All the memories of each of my kids are sweet and I cherish them all. I look forward to all the memories we will continue to make and I still enjoy watching them learn the world around them and see them become the person God created them to be. But it is such a bittersweet thing… this parenting stuff.

I know one day I will be telling another mom it will all be OK as she is sad and heartbroken sending her baby off to kinder. I know I will settle into the new life routine sooner than I think I will and I know my kids will think mommy is so sensitive and mushy until they are doing the same thing with their kiddos.

It doesn’t matter what I know or how amazing my kids are at doing life because that doesn’t take the sadness away.

It won’t make me not cry.

It won’t make tomorrow easier.

It won’t make me stop missing all the stages before this one.

It just won’t make me feel better.

So if you see me tomorrow and ask me how I am please don’t be offended if I do not answer you. I know not saying anything helps keep the flood gates closed a bit. If I say I am fine and don’t want to talk about it please know it’s not you it’s me. I do not like crying and I prefer not to do it in public so I will try to maintain a happy face for my kids, for their teachers and for everyone else until I get home. Then I will cry with my hubbie and BF, love on beary, and make sure I am put back together by 2:35.

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