Disconnected and tired of trying

This is a vulnerable post that may make some uncomfortable, they may not understand my heart, be hurt or offended but as I stated in April I wanted to be real and not sugar coat anything and sometimes my thoughts are not going to make others feel good.

I have mentioned it before about how I feel so disconnected at church. It is really a first for me to be in a church and not feel a sense of belonging. I am not all too sure I really ever felt connected at our current church. I did have close friends who use to attend but they attend another church now for different reasons. I use to be involved in a ministry there but outgrew that and any relationship I thought I had with people from that group pretty much stopped when I moved on. I guess those relationships were not what I thought they were. I still chit-chat with those people when I see them at church but it doesn’t go beyond that. We have chatted about getting together but after many failed attempts and no response back I stopped asking.

Just to be clear I do not feel there is anything wrong with our church views and practices. That is not the issue. It is a personal issue, a lack of feeling like you belong. I honestly feel if I never went back no one would inquire as to where I was, if I was O.K etc… I am the only one in my family that feels this way. When J is traveling and not at church he gets emails or calls from some of the guys. My kids have some good friends there yet I don’t enjoy going and just don’t interact with anyone Monday-Saturday and its limited on Sundays.

I want a connection with church that is deep and intimate. I want a group of people I do church with to share life with, to be accountable to. I still long for the small group we had in California. I am fully aware that cannot be exactly reproduced this side of heaven but I fully believe you can have a close connection like again. I see others doing it in our church. I am quite jealous of it at times. They have something I long for and the longing aches.

Most Sundays it is s struggle to go, I would rather stay snug in my bed and have a lazy, carefree day. But I also believe that because I love God, and follow Him I should model for my family and children the importance of corporate worship and I do not take lightly when it comes to training up a child in the way he should go. So I go. Some days I try to connect with people and others I don’t. It feels very one-sided. Many people there have always gone to that church, have relationships that span decades, have that small group or life group that meets there needs….

We had another family over for dinner on Saturday and she asked if I felt connected to the kid’s school and our neighborhood. In answering her question I realized I had the same answer for being connected to our church and that answer is “not really”. Since we have lived here there have been a few instances that have happened that reinforce me to be very hesitant of opening up to people. This is nothing new for me I have a list of circumstances and broken relationships over many years that have caused me to be cautious and slow in meeting new people, getting to know them and opening up. But after the last few hurts from “close friends” the last 3 years I am sort of done with it all. I am working on deepening the relationships I have but I am timid still…

I know giving up is not the answer. I don’t know if another church is the answer. I don’t even know what the answer may be….

I am also looking for the church digging deep. Let’s get into some theology and profound life application. I grew up in the church and have been a part of various groups, different Bible studies and programs so I know the Bible stories and I can hold a pretty good, deep conversation about context about a lot of them. I have lots to learn to be at my daddy’s level but I want more than the surface, make it easy for the non believer, new Christian to digest. I get why that has to be done but I long to really gnaw on some deep and intense preaching and conversations about it. Something that goes beyond, what does this verse say…. questions and thoughts that go beyond the typical and easy Sunday School answers.

If I am being honest my longing for what I want in a church, my frustrations I currently have has been somewhat crippling. I feel stuck. I am not moving forward. As a good friend said to be a while back- “when are you going to do something about this, you’ve been talking about it for 2 years.” She is right… none the less I am stuck and by my own doing. It’s not something I am consistently praying about. Frankly, I want a poof it is fixed kind of solution. I know that is not a possibility, parked cars cannot be driven.


2 Responses to “Disconnected and tired of trying”

  1. 1 T Welsh
    December 17, 2013 at 10:12 AM

    I have been going through a very similar experience for 3 years. My small group dissolved, good friends left the church, and I kept trying everything I could to plug back in. I tried new small groups, kept serving most weekends but struggled the whole time as nothing really clicked. I felt stuck but didn’t want to give up church because of my kids. I was open about this with the church leaders and prayed about leaving to find another church. After 14 years I am visiting other churches with my family. I don’t feel stuck any more but we still haven’t found a place to worship as a family.

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