04
Aug
15

My Heart is just too big….the love is just so much!

love parentY’ALL! I JUST CANNOT….my heart is too big, too emotional, too real, too mushy, too selfish and selfless and too much of everything to continue to parent without being a complete basket case who needs her Costco sized box of tissues in one hand and her mascara in the other hand AT ALL TIMES.

Parenting is hard… anyone who is a parent knows that. Anyone who is not has heard it. But let me tell ya it’s not hard because they are needy, whiny, clingy, selfish, loud, cranky, poopy, don’t let us sleep or pee in peace, it’s not due to the cost of raising a child or the battles of siblings or fending off suitors or bad friends blah, blah, blah….

Yes, those things are not easy. I have had to deal with all of them and more and many days wish we lived in a bubble of only the people J and I approved of because life was hard and I couldn’t see anything but the unpleasant not so fun stuff from having babies and raising kids.

But this, this is what is hard.

Watching them grow, because they grow at light speed.

Talking to them and seeing them become the person we envisioned when they were clingy and poopy and all we wanted was a night away from them.

Watching them live out what you have taught them… all those things you never thought they heard or cared about, they do them and they do it beautifully, flawlessly and you sit there with tears in your eyes in awe of them with relief knowing they heard you, they got it… and all you can do in that moment is weep and sit there in silence while your throat closes and hear pounds and eventually you have to tell yourself to breathe.

Realizing despite how emotional you thought you were or were not, there comes a day when you cannot stop the tears, you cannot stop the crying. Crying for joy that despite all the faults, and fights and sleepless nights and bad words you said or your child said, despite the criticism from yourself, your spouse, your family, your friends, society, your child still loves you and has become the person you wished and more… they still say I love you mom and they will lay their head in your lap at age 14, of their own will and want to watch their favorite kids shows with you.

Realizing each year that it is one less year they will live at home.

Having so much fun, being chill, hanging out with them and their friends and doing fun things and having great family time in the summer and then having to give them back to whatever education system you choose that cuts into all that carefree, fun, lazy, amazing time you spent with them.

Life is hard. Living life of work, training, sports play, school, vacations, holidays, cleaning and so on takes time away that I know one day I will wish we did less of, even if we barely did it, because it was time we weren’t doing what we wanted to with one another.

It’s hard to let them go, not because you want to keep them, be a helicopter parent or make their choices for them… it is hard because you love them so, you love being with them and you love who you are with them and you just don’t want to miss a minute of their life because it is just so good.

The good is hard because it hits you in the gut, it pulls at your heart-strings, it smashes into your soul, and it stops you in your tracks and prevents you from taking a breath. Thinking on any negative or making a list of improvements and criticism would be easy, it’s easy because it doesn’t touch your soul, and it is easier to be negative than to be overcome, flooded and immersed in all the good, positive and amazing things that come from being a parent.

Listen, I hate to cry. I do not like to get a stuffy nose, wipe my tears, and make awful noises that seem to only be made when crying. But let me tell you, embrace the cry. You cannot run from it… it will find you and you will have days it doesn’t stop. It may be like a leaky faucet and turn on and off all day but it is coming. It is coming because there is so much joy in parenting. It is coming because with each new phase with each new year you will see how things in the past were not as big of a deal and you made them out to be and you will mourn the time you lost because you thought it was a big deal. That will make you cry because you can now see with better vision how you should have spent your time, how you should’ve reacted and engaged. But, please DO NOT get stuck there. That is in the past and you cannot do anything about that. All you can do is this moment, now, be the parent you want to be, love like you want to love, NO, love like they need you to love and make that choice each moment of everyday over and over again… time is fleeting, time is precious. Even though they will grow and move on and leave home make them not want to, make them always want to come home, make them the person who loves their children like you loved yours and more. Give them your heart that is all too big for all this parenting stuff so they have a heart that is too big for their kids.

Parenting is not easy it is hard and it is hard for many reasons but keep going, keep loving, keep crying, it Is all a beautiful, horrible mess that you will not ever regret, EVER!

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