Archive for the 'life' Category

11
May
17

Are we ever ready?

I feel stuck. I don’t want to move. Maybe if I stay right here time will stand silly a little while longer. I am not ready to be a witness to life’s big changes. Can we go back to sill shopping days and pushing the big kids around in store buggies, and blind soap smelling and late night games?

New beginnings are beautiful and I am excited but I am also sad about the ending of this phase in life.

Goodness me, if I am so emotional now how am I going to deal with my own children’s big and exciting life events.  We are far from the stages of the kids walking, talking, and learning to do things on their own. We are staring at the stages of moving out, being on their own and finding their own life and creating that while we sit on the sidelines.

I knew these things would be hard… I knew I would miss many things… I am not ready, but is anyone ever ready?  It all goes by so quickly….

01
May
17

Sometimes words are not needed.

Next week we head east and I couldn’t be more excited.

I am very much looking forward to a change of pace, scenery and seeing some of our favorite people.

Mercie is hoping to get lots of Jackson time… he’s getting married. I think she might be a little heart broken. She keeps asking where she gets to stand at the weeding as the flower girl… she believes the only option is by Jackson.

Twenty years, I’ve known this family. They were the ones J sought their opinion of me on when we were dating. I played and attended preschool and kindergarten events with them. All of them were in our wedding. They helped me un pack my house, hang up pictures, the boys played with my girls, made purses for them, snuggled my babies and we’ve had many shopping adventures in costumes and dinned with alias’s. The list goes on for the silly and fun things we have done together.

There have been crazy kitchen creations, late night games, vacations, surprise visits, many birthday and New Year’s celebrations, a lot of reality TV and soap opera commentating, over the top parties to celebrate each other… the 20 + years of friendship, family-ship, between our families has been like any other family… a roller coaster but at the end of the day we care for each other and what’s going on and we always show up for the other when needed.

We’ve sat in silence with one another during some of life’s biggest moments. We don’t typically discuss them before during or after. We all know there is so much emotion and we all don’t enjoy the ugly cries. We are just there. I can recall, promotion ceremonies, graduations, disastrous events and all that is said is ‘I am here, are you ok?’ We accept the one word answers. I believe we hear what is not said. You cannot under estimate the power of the person who passes you a tissue before you know you need it.

Despite the times where emotions ran the show between any of our family members and things that were said that should not have been said to the things not said that should have been said and the early morning, last minute changed departures we still are the person’s person in the most precious, exciting, and scary times we face in life. You just can’t find that anywhere and it just doesn’t happen overnight.

It is life changing times like the upcoming wedding that I feel we say the most when we speak the least. There is so much emotion wrapped up into this trip I truly don’t have words. But we will all be together, we will smile and dance and raise a toast or 2 and the hugs will be long and tight and they will say all that needs to be said and more. Call us wimps or crazy for not uttering words but not all of us need to verbally say what needs to be said for the other to hear our heart.

I cannot wait for next week but there is a little sadness to it… kids grow up and create their own lives, move on and get married… it just makes all of us getting together that much harder and maybe less often and I am not sure if I am OK with that.

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28
Apr
17

The only limited resource is time.

There are days’ things just creep up on you and you were not expecting it. Ya know, when the tears start and you just can’t seem to stop it… where you must force yourself to think about the plain and boring and mundane things, really hard just to keep it together…

Today is that for me. I did my usual dropping off Josh and Mercie to school. I let them out by the back gate of the school. They both have always taken off running to the back door. They race each other but they always run where I am on the street to look over smile and wave. They smile with their big gorgeous face smiles and off they go. But today I saw Joshua and it felt like it was like a last goodbye. There is this feeling of the end of elementary that I haven’t felt before. It is ending for him this year but when I see him race his sister to the door of the school and smile a big smile and wave at me I just can’t hold in the sadness for the ending. For six years, I have been blessed with the best ‘goodbye, see you after school’ greetings and love from him.

When Mercie is in the same school with him again things will be so different.

He is my only boy, I don’t know what is it store for our relationship in the teen years.

So, then there is looking at Taylor…. y ’all she is grown in so many ways. Our days are numbered. She is so tall and so pretty. She has blown us away with how amazing she does at school and how well she balances that with church, babysitting, and golf and being such a good helper at home with so many things. She’s making her colleges to visit list. I am starting to feel sick and excited all at the same time.

Oh, and if you could see all the things Hannah creates you might cry too. I tell her all the time I want to show the world all of it… she laughs and says most are doodles. You’d laugh at that if you saw her doodles. They are not cute little flowers and squiggly lines. They are just art, with depth and scale and emotion and perfection. Her talent is so special and beyond her years.

 

Mercy me, Miss Mercie she thinks she’s grown and that kills me because she not. She just wants to be doing what her older sisters are doing and hanging with them. She looks at me funny when I ask for cuddles and things we used to do are becoming boring for her. I know I’m probably trying to hang on all too much for too long but it just goes by so fast and I miss all that was.

Who would’ve thought my brother finishing grad school would bring me to tears to? But it did. I am so proud of him and excited it is over for him. It’s such a big deal!

This is not good to be so emotional 2 weeks before Jackson’s wedding. He was a little man of just 3 years old in my wedding. How can it be that he is off to start his own life and family so fast? It just may be the quietest time we have with all the Tharpe’s… I know if Emily and I talk we just might end up in ugly cries for days.

Despite my emotional roller coaster these things are wonderful and they do make me excited. But sadness comes along with it, it’s almost like you cannot have one without the other. I say it all the time and it is the truest statement y’all….

 

The days and weeks are long but the years are so short.

 

So savor the moments, hang on to the memories, laugh and cry and be in the pictures. Do fun things and be silly. Make sure you fill their minds with a multitude of memories that are fun, honest, playful and loving. It will be the best thing for them to take with them wherever they go and the best thing for you to have when they go. Hug them, kiss them, and go seize the day.

 

13
Mar
17

Sweet moments

He wakes up early only to join me as I sit in the quiet living room sipping on coffee, pondering the day and thanking Jesus for my blessings.

He falls back to sleep quickly, he doesn’t have the words to say why he does this, maybe it’s because he’s a boy and doesn’t want to say it out loud, but either way I take it as his silent way of needing his mom and wanting to be close. I believe he’ll always be that way regardless of his age.

We didn’t have a winter this year but today it’s 40 something, foggy and drizzly so I’m taking advantage of the fireplace after a wet and chilly workout. 

It’s that time of year that the days are starting to get longer and warmer. I am sad about winter missing us but the carefree-ness of what spring brings I enjoy. It’s a hard battle of getting kids fed and ready for bed at a proper time for school. I’m ready for summer days and nights about now. Late dinners, no schedules, no have to’s, relaxation and a loose time frame.

I hate ending play dates. I didn’t call Josh home last night until 8 pm. He’s spent his day with friends playing here, outside, there houses….the kids even find it harder to stop playing. 

As the days pass eventually dinner will be served later and later. It’s just the natural consequence to the light staying around longer. It makes the end of school a little bit harder… we all do our thing and play and when our tummies growl we wonder why we are hungry. When we finally look at the time it’s 730 pm and we can’t believe time passed so quickly. 

We have much to look forward to the next few months and we are all excited about it. It’s a year of new phases, firsts and some fun celebrations.

It’s hard not to wish time to fly by when there’s so much to look forward to…I just hope we savor the occasions, memories and time with spent with our people. 

09
Sep
16

Struggling with the trusting…

fullsizerenderIf worrying isn’t trusting or shows a lack of faith I’m a hot mess. As a parent how do you not worry? How do you fully release it over to God ? Can I do both and it still be considered faithful and trusting?

Or is it the absolutely need we have  at times that every second of every day for days upon days upon days all we can say is I trust you Jesus? Is that what faith really looks like? A constant, repetitive sentence prayer when you have no other words to say and nothing to offer when praying seems hard?

It feels one-sided, the constant asking and not much to offer…the constant asking and the worrying doesn’t feel to be improving…times like these I easily judge how much I took for granted and expected when things ran smoother and the worry was lighter, if any at all.

I know He hears me and will work things for the good but as a recovering perfectionist the heartache and my own inadequacy of my relationship that feels more self-serving,  needy and far from saint worthy crowds my mind and leaves me feeling empty-handed, no offering to give and I am just begging for peace.

Our faith is forged in the fire right? Why is it so hard to fully release the amazing blessing God gave you back to Him fully and completely unloading your cross for Him to carry because His plan is perfect? He even asks for us to hand over our burdens but when the burden lands in our lap why the struggle….?

24
Aug
16

So I turned 40!

Schools back in session and I am playing catch up with my blog…..HA!

This year was the big 4-0! We celebrated in 1920’s style. Costumes and all. It was fabulous.

I went a little crazy and went all out…new dress… had my make-up and hair done professionally. We rented a big house on the lake and everyone dresses up! I did not want it to end. It was all so so perfect!!!!!

I have the best family and friends. They worked hard to make the décor, set up and were why it was so fabulous!!

 

21
Jun
16

40 sounds so odd….

love_your_lifeIn a month I will be 40.

That is the oddest sounding sentence I have ever uttered!

Everyone is the age of their heart. ~Guatemalan Proverb

 I don’t feel 40. I am not sure what 40 should feel like, I never thought about what it would feel like. So far there are no signs of gray hair or wrinkles…I see many my age whose genes are different, the heaviness of their life visible. Some are grandparents already and having a blast with that. Some have kids younger than most of mine. A lot of my friends are older, heck Jason is…maybe he keeps me feeling young. I feel our kids do too; we all have a ton of fun together doing life.

Grow old with me! The best is yet to be. ~Robert Browning

The thing is I don’t feel like I have aged since I was 20. Yes, I have had huge life events, amazing experiences, and learned hard lessons the hard way, learned from heartbreak, grown wiser and have let go of a lot of baggage I thought was important when I was younger. I am more comfortable in my own skin; I have more confidence and security in myself. I quit caring about a lot of things and started caring more about other things. Maybe it’s the letting go of baggage that keeps one feeling young. In years past I struggled to keep life looking perfect all the time…Clean house, great cooking, top-notch volunteer, best parent, perfect time manager…etc…etc… This only caused anxiety and suffering. It just took a few years to wake up to that.

Learning to say no and not be everybody’s everything was the best lesson, along with, stopping the comparison game and not caring what others thought about my life choices. It made me love me for me. Most importantly, it has been a great life experience to refer to in teaching my own kids to figure out who they are as a person not who they are by what they do or what others say about them… I’ve enjoyed parenting more. It’s been fun. Years ago I would have never thought that being transparent with my kids would be an amazing teaching aide. I’ve learned I don’t want them to see me as perfect but rather as brave because I did what I felt should be done and I handled all things with love and humor despite the outcome; that I tried things without care of how I would be looked at or how much I might fail. My kids are so much more confident and daring than I ever was at their age. So much excitement for their future just to hear about what they do and be along for the ride with some of the things they will do in life. I cannot wait!

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore

As each year passes I do more things I didn’t think I would do. Jason and I take on more adventures whether it is learning a new skill for fun, trying new foods or going to new places. It is all an adventure. They create memories and laughter. It provides a wealth of conversations we will have when they kids leave home and create their own life.

We sit very little. Luckily, we both love to explore and be active. Our kids are the same. Once summer began the questions started immediately “What adventure are we doing today? What new place we will see today?” They each will research and create their own list and I just love it. We are all always creating and planning and hoping….we may never have the time or money to do all that we imagine and hope but rest assured we will enjoy the planning and we will see if I feel older than 20 in another 40 years.

Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes




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