It might be bittersweet but there is always better things on the horizon.

I’ve never been one who wants kids to grow up too fast. There are stages I miss and some I don’t. But I’ve enjoyed each one and have been excited for the next.

As Mercie has neared the end of each stage there’s been some bitter sweetness but there’s also been some excitement, relief, thankfulness and a cleansing deep breath. I’ve had the privilege to have been at the end of each stage 3 times before. I know what’s on the other side. There’s some experience and knowledge of what to expect and how to deal with it as well as process it.

I have to admit each stage has its beautiful blessings however, I really like the older teen and adult kid stage. I get to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work I did as a mom and all the benefits of how J and I raised them together.

This year I am super excited that we will end our 12 year relationship with middle school. (Only 6 weeks left of it…) I’m not shocked my baby will be in high school soon. I’m excited and wish we were there already. I won’t miss the middle school stage one bit. Frankly, I can’t wait to wipe my hands clean of it. It’s been brutal. To be honest I can’t quickly think of many positives about it…

Soon I will only have 1 school to deal with… hardly any emails, but I stopped reading most of those a long time ago… today I removed myself from many Facebook groups. Even though I’m rarely on Facebook anymore it felt freeing to remove myself from groups that don’t matter or are just frivolous.

When you teach your kids responsibility and that it is on them to do the work and be aware then they step up and manage their school career. Don’t get me wrong I’m not oblivious to what’s going on I’m just not the one reminding them, doing it or hounding them. If they don’t learn to fail I’ve not done my best by them. High school is the perfect time to figure that out. We’re still a soft place for them to land as they learn and adjust. If that shocks you then you don’t have any in college where the consequences are harder, bigger and not as easy to recover.

Besides once you have one in college you realize whatever you thought about high school wasn’t as important or as big as you thought and your kids will think the same too. It’s just a minor stepping stone in life. Just like once they adjusted to high school they learned middle school wasn’t as big of a deal as they once thought.

Better things are always on the horizon. I’m enjoying the older kids phase a lot. There’s more conversations than lectures and discipline. There’s more time hanging out with one another vs staying in their room alone or always with a friend. Sharing a fav show, series, activity or music list is the best.

Real friendships aren’t easy anymore.

Anyone else feel that as an adult making and keeping the same friends is hard? I’m guessing if you’ve never moved or friends never moved away from you maybe it’s different.

I have some great friends. The ride or die kind. The all knowing, deep, love you more for knowing all your ugliness type of friends. They just don’t live in the same state as me. I have some good friends locally, we’re not as deep or close… and I would love for a deep connection with a friend who is physically close to me. It’s hard, I’ve tried, been open, always invited, etc… and eventually stop because it feels so one sided. Right or wrong I don’t know… all I know is I can only offer so much before I stop because there’s more silence than acknowledgment coming from the other side.

I suppose it’s those relationships we grow up from or grow out of. There was no clear ending or exchange just a slow stop. It usually started with me doing an experiment… after many invites and calls or texts to check in that had no response that I just stopped. I stopped to see if they would notice. To see how long it might be before they checked in with me. Turns out 2+ years isn’t long enough – there’s been no check in…

I’m amazed at how busy people always seem but can make 100s of reels. How much they keep themselves locked up. The never ending excuses for their rude behavior for not responding. How much they post on social media expecting others to comment as a way to connect. How the posts takes place of them letting you know what’s going on in their life vs telling you directly. It is so sad how humanity seems to only want to connect digitally vs physically. Take an article I saw about someone spending $1.3M on building an island in the metaverse and how other things were for sale there… what the hell?! Why aren’t people choosing to go on an adventure, travel the world, help a good cause, buy a real island? So much waste of so much money on something so fake… I’m just baffled.

Embrace the stillness

I don’t relax or rest easily. Sometimes a forced rest is best and what’s needed. When it’s forced and I can’t change things I can easily sink into the calmness of it. I can throw off the need to plan and do and create and make new and clean and prep. All of those things are hard for me to let go of. I know I need to but the action is far harder than the knowing. There’s something about the winter that leads to more rest than any other season. The cold tends to invite more things indoors. I’ve always dreamt of snowed in times. It think it probably says a lot about me if I dream of weather creating a halt to my life.

I find winter peaceful and hopeful. I love the cold and I long to see snow and ice. It’s like time stands still and you have no choice but to stop and slow down. Rest and reflect. No one else is doing so it makes the not doing easier for me. The feelings of guilt for not doing aren’t there. The ease to rest and to be completely still comes naturally.

So many times I wish I could flip the switch to feel that and to be that was easy and accessible. I know some might say it’s always there but reality is it’s not for everyone. We’re all different and have different struggles and pressures.

Few things make me slow down, it seems it’s almost always surrounded by nature. The winter- the cold air and frozen times it brings as well as the summer and the calmness that the water brings to me. If I’m near the water- preferably an ocean or lake I can lay there for hours in a peaceful calm and let all the pressures and expectations I put on myself and others just drift away. In the summer months I find myself longing to be in a beach house. I know I’d be more relaxed there. Not consumed with what I should be doing or feel guilty about what I don’t do…

I’m sure someone would have a hay day with the extreme of it all… give me snow and ice or give me a beach. But what’s in between feels hard sometimes and relaxing seems so foreign.

I thinks it’s a shame when people want things to speed up and be gone. It’s like they want life to pass them by versus being still and letting life be what it is, at it’s own time. I think the irony is we can easily miss the slowness we need day to day yet when on vacation we beg for time to stand still and the vacation last longer. We should all treat our actual lives like vacation instead rushing to the next thing, event, day, etc…? No one wants to be an empty nester or near the end of their life wishing they had spent more time with family or friends or enjoyed the simple moments more. That’s regretful. I feel our aim should be to reach that stage in life full of memories and peace knowing we enjoyed it all. So I’m gonna enjoy this amazing snow and ice. See it’s beauty and listen to its rest that it calls us too. I’ll lay on the couch by the fire chatting with my kids and J, watch movies and eat by candlelight when the power goes out. We will make the baked goods and eat them without guilt. Play games and sleep in and stay up late. I know time doesn’t slow down, we have to slow our lives down. So why wish for the snow to melt quickly and life to return to normal? I think that wish holds more regrets than settling into the slowness.

When we can speak it the power it holds dies…

It’s not often as a mom I wish for time to fly by. I’d rather it slow down, but then there is middle school. Is it possible for time to fly by for this phase yet slow down for the others? Only if, right? I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

However, the countdown is on to the end of our middle school journey. It’s been a long one. We’re in the 11th year and 12 years will complete our journey. It can’t come fast enough. I’m weary and worn. I know what lies on the other side and I know it’s better there. It’s better because of the growth, realizations and pain of the journey. But, I am impatient and I hurt and cry for her so much now.

With 4 there’s not been a break or pause for me. She doesn’t know the privilege or the cost of being a mom. To her middle school is a new, changing and normal event that passes by quickly. I see what was, what is and what will be. I see the cost, the regrets, and mistakes. And I know the what if’s and the long road of healing that may be ahead.

I am aware I’ve always carried this time heavier than my kids and others. I do struggle to find reprieve and rest during this time. It’s a momentary battle I loose more than I win.

I don’t think I’ll ever miss this stage. I’ll just be glad it’s over while hoping it was more beneficial than not. Where are the mom groups for this life phase? And why do they tend to die off once your kiddos enter kindergarten?

The one where they graduate

Last night was her party. It was fabulous and fun. So many friends came over to celebrate and we partied for hours. I’m so excited that she chose my all time favorite show for her photo booth backdrop. (I love watching all my kinds binge watching my fav show. )

Tonight is the grad ceremony. She’s ready and she can’t wait to check it off her list.

Right now, sitting in my living that is sprinkled with confetti and party decorations and crumbs on the floor I’m drinking my coffee slowing waking up…

I didn’t expect to sit here and cry.

I wasn’t expecting for a wave of emotions of the finality of this stage for her to hit me right now. In truth I’d rather it didn’t. But I’m trying and learning to embrace and welcome all my emotions in a more healthy manner.

Maybe I can pass off the tears on the fact I’m watching Josh play Fort Night. Parents, can you relate?

Anyway, Taylor’s time here has ended and now she’s ready to soar.

Mercie’s Elementry career is over and we said Adios to 13 years of elementary school yesterday and I was so ready for that goodbye.

So today is the first day in a new stage of life and it feels similar to the day coming home from the hospital with our firstborn… not knowing what to expect or feeling confident we knew what we were doing.

When they start to leave

I get that whatever season you’re in right now maybe hard but if you’re not in the leaving the nest season you just can’t know the same kind of hard. But maybe you do… I realize we’re all different and our pain tolerances are never the same. Then there’s the million ways we deal or don’t with emotions. I’m guilty of not dealing with them and then it all spills out from an overflowing cup and I am a hot mess.

I thought labor was hard but that pain stopped when I held my baby for the first time. Then I thought potty training was the devil and toddlers terrible attitudes were out to get me. Then there was the adjustment from 1 to 2 kids and that first year sucked. I had zero sleep because my dearest second daughter loved and only slept through the night on my neck. Literally, horizontal across my neck.

Have you ever tried to count the white dots of popcorn on your ceiling? I did that year and then when J would kiss me goodbye in the morning I would sob because my eyes never closed and the 2 year old would be up soon.

Then losing a baby in the 2nd trimester killed me. That was hard and hard to work through when your husband traveled ALL THE TIME and you have a 9 m old and a 2 year old who demand all of you all the time.

Anyway, 4 kids happened and all the elementary school events and money collections, parties, student led conferences that were way too long and recorder concerts… why?! But seriously 4 kids in elementary I am barely checked in for the last one whose in 5th grade. I’m just done.

Then middle school issues. That was hard and awful and we had to deal with stuff I’d never wish would happen to anyone. I didn’t sleep much those years either. When your kids can look at you and know to bring a glass of wine and chocolate you know it’s a hard season because they’re in it and can see it all over your face.

But, in comparison, looking back that stuff feels like a breeze to what is going on now.

We’re in the season of kids leaving home. Our first one leaves in 3 months. The pure excitement we have about that and all the good things we know are coming her way does not make it any less hard. I have always only wanted to be a mom and I’ve been blessed but losing the front row seat to their daily lives is difficult. I love seeing and talking to them everyday. We have fun together and laugh a lot.

I’m thankful for those that have gone before me and know that it’s a daily struggle to keep it together. They know I’m walking around with tears on the verge of falling, that I can’t stop the countdown and I’m trying to make sure each moment is captured. They know it takes great effort to maintain when all you wanna do sometimes is cry because you worry if you did enough, if they will still love home, if they will call you, if they remember all the things you taught them. They know that you tried to avoid and fought writing that letter for senior recognition event but when the words came so did the ugliest of the ugly cries that left you with a headache and drained and you needed to sleep for 3 days afterwards.

You know they knew all of that because they sent a text or called telling you that you were strong and could handle it and yes it sucks and it’s so hard but you’ve been a great mom. There’s comfort in knowing they truly know what you’re feeling and can relate.

But I say to those of you who aren’t there yet don’t lose connection because you’re unsure of what to say or can’t imagine how it feels or you feel your life is just to busy. Busy never stops so that excuse is a poor one. I’m busy, busier this month then ever. The mental business is exhausting yet I cherish the chats with my other friends who are having kids leave the house and look for opportunities to take a breath and enjoy a moment focusing on something else. Those things are sanity savers and life lines somedays. The truth is the lack of reaching out and truly wanting to check in and make time for a chat or night out as a distraction says a lot and probably not the message you want to pass on. But silence is painful and loud. You’ll be here one day and I’ll be your person who has gone before so don’t let relationships suffer over busyness or laziness. Life is meant to be lived in community.

She’s off to great places and we are so exited. We cannot wait to see her future!

Let the crazy begin…

Well I just filled the outgoing mailbox with zero room to spare. Good luck Mr. Postman.

This day marks the beginning of the crazy, fun filled, memory making, all the feels summer. From now until August 26 our calendar is busy, busy, busy.

Of course, I do have some time blocks for relaxation and time with friends because I can’t do this summer without those things.

We are entering such an exciting time and I can’t wait for the new stage. But as those who have walked in these shoes know it is a tear jerking time. Glad I have some veterans with me. They’ll know better than I do when I need a moment, a drink, a laugh, a hug…

Let the rollercoaster or merry go round begin!

Lean in, show up, bless and be blessed

I’m a doer, I do the things and I carry on- pushing the emotions aside. That’s how I stay safe, that’s how I maintain, that’s how I get through the rough days, the tough days and the unbearable days.

The problem with that is people tend to see it as strong, or that I don’t need support. But the real tragedy is we’re all so wrapped up in self that few lean in when things get hard. Few actually see the need to show up, to be present, to sit with someone in that moment, to listen. We assume they’ve got it and they’re handling things well. We choose to be blind to the truth.

Despite the heartache people are walking through, despite the fear they may have inside and despite the chaos of all the unknowns of how it will end there is always another kind of pain underneath. The pain that speaks lies like ‘I don’t matter’ or ‘I’m not worthy’ or ‘I must be weak.’ That pain is intensified because people are not paying attention, they don’t notice the realness that’s happening. They don’t check in with the intent of really wanting to know how someone is doing. They don’t come sit to just be with them. That act of sitting with someone says I see you you’re not alone.

When we don’t show up for others it’s a suffocating silence and loneliness that speaks volumes of our lack of love, kindness, concern and empathy.

It shows the truth of who we really are despite what we may say. Our silence tells the ones in pain they don’t matter.

The same goes when we have our rough and tough days and seclude ourselves. We rob others the chance to be a friend, show love and compassion, be the sounding board for our fears. When we don’t say ‘hey things are tough right now’ we build a wall around ourselves and refuse to let people show up for us.

We’re meant to live in community. Life takes a village. Showing up is really a simple act that costs you nothing and gives you more than you can imagine. Be a blessing and let others bless you.

March was a long and hard month. I grew in some areas and learned a lot. I saw and experienced many emotions. I watched how love surrounded my husband in a scary time. It was beautiful.

Together we grew closer to some friends and wondered where some were. We also had some reality checks that hit us hard. We will be better for it. I believe March was the crescendo to some things in the works and in hiding that needed to happen so we could be stronger together as we face a transition in life with our kids that’s exciting and sad at the same time.

March forced us to take note of each second of life, to weed out things and readjust some things . Vulnerability is difficult for me but we are working on changing that so we are fully present for each other and others in our life. It’s hard work but needed. I’m thankful for the learning. I am thankful for those that just leaned in, just sat with us, and just took charge of things for us and helped care for our kids so we could focus on his health and surgeries. Those faraway and the calls and messages were as impactful, if not more, as those who were physically present with us. I doubt I could say that if we didn’t have those people in our lives.

Friendship is essential to the soul

“A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.” – Proverbs 27:9

Today I head back to my tribe and the daily routines of life. These last 8 days have been some good soul medicine. Something I’ve needed for awhile. I am filled up with so much goodness and joy!

At the beginning of 2018 I decided to be more intentional about things that feed my soul, that make me a better person and in return those things make a better home.

I’ve done an overhaul in my social media and I limit my time on it… no more surfing FB, in fact, I love I don’t have to be on FB to post things. Removing myself from groups that are of no benefit and unfollowing negative people, I love I find it’s pretty boring and that’s fine with me. Now I receive very few notifications and so I don’t need to open the app. It’s been a marvelous change. I’ve chosen to not communicate through social media but go old school and call, text or email.

But so far this year one of the best things I’ve done is purchasing a plane ticket to spend 8 days with 3 fabulous friends who know (the good, bad and ugly) me, love me and have helped me be a better person.

It’s been a long time since I took a trip without anyone from my family and last Thursday I left to head back to California.

It had been 12 years since I saw 2 of them in person. It’s sad how busy life can get and how fast time can go by…. I couldn’t believe it had been so long. However, you’d never know we hadn’t spent the last 12 years doing life and raising our kids side by side. There was no awkward moment, zero hesitations, we picked up where we left off from the moment I was greeted at the airport.

The last week has been such a big blessing and something I have needed for a long time. It has been a wonderful and meaningful time. It has been good to have some good girlfriend time, deep conversations and laughs upon laughs. Plus, all the other friends and people that have meant so much me and J that I met with them, hugged and laughed with.

It’s been full of day trips and adventures and all the goodness and joy deep, true, friendships bring.

I’m blessed by Jason, his encouragement he gave for me to take this trip and adjusting his schedule to cover things while I was gone. I am grateful my kids were so excited for me because they know how much I love them and how I adore friend time. My girlfriends making me feel so loved with their instant joy and because they never had to think about saying yes to me coming and crashing at their place.

“Friendship is a wildly underrated medication.” – Anna Deavere Smith

I will miss them terribly, that will never change and I will miss the west coast and all its beauty and serenity. It is so rich in memories for me, I grew tremendously during the time we lived there and because of the people we did life with. We are already planning the next visits and I am looking forward to 2 more trips this year where I can spend some sweet time with other girlfriends as they hold my hand and may possibly wipe some tears as one visits colleges with Taylor and I and the other tells me it’s OK as I leave Hannah in VA for a month.

So much goodness coming and maybe more as life has brought new friends into mine and Jason’s path and we are excited to see how those grow.

Feed your soul people, do the things that make you better not the things that keep you busy and away from the richness of relationships.

a perfect holiday break

The kids went back to school this past Thursday. No one wanted the break to end and I’d like to think it was for more reasons than not wanting to have homework and tests.

We had such a great the Christmas season. I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better one. Sure we missed extended family and far away friends but we had A good mix of fun, meaning, lazy and merriment this year.

It was just the 6 of us. It was calm and didn’t pass by too quickly. It’s not the first time it’s just been our family so I’m not all to sure why it felt so good and different than before. It felt like much needed time. I worked to be more intentional with our schedules and chose new and meaningful events. But maybe it was the calmness of it being the six of us or the fact that we stayed active vs just sitting around and letting it pass us by or maybe it’s the clock ticking in my head saying there’s 18 months before our first born leaves the nest.

I find myself wanting to take pictures of all we do more than ever before. I want to make sure we are making memories, that everything is a sweet memory- even the ugly things. I want my kids to be excited about making their way in life and expanding their wings but I want more than ever for all thoughts of home to be joy filled and sweet and that they desire

to come back home and bring their friends and people they meet along the way.

As a kid I wanted nothing more than to be a mom and many times I said I wanted a million kids. It was all I thought of most times and I loved playing house.

I love my 4- they are my million. I’m excited for their futures and I love talking to them about what they feel their future holds. But like most parents- I fight with time a lot. I want it to go by slower, for it to give us more time, let us choose the pace of life.

Of course, the kids missed the big family Christmas with all them aunts, uncles, cousins and Mimi and papa but I’m hoping as the days go by they will be glad we had Christmas as just the 6 of us from time to time. This is my favorite picture. I love everything about it. I see all their personalities in this picture and just pure joy and love.