24
Mar
14

Football Family

Joshua FB 1 (2)

It’s no secret we all love football and we have a fun during NFL season with our split family. Dallas v. Denver. But now we get to be involved in football, flag football that is. Joshua started the season yesterday and LOVED it.

He and J have been practicing on his throwing and catching since the fall and he plays football with his friends most days during recess. One of his best buds has even said he has a great arm.

It was so much fun to watch the first practice and scrimmage yesterday. Joshua had a blast and some great plays! Looking forward to next weeks game.

Joshua FB 1 (1)

31
Jan
14

Fighting the Demons

perfectionism-is-self-abuseThis quote is quite biting. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with perfectionism. If it is considered abuse it is ironic and terrible that I feel a sense of calm when things are in order…. how selfish and sick it is that I to find peace in something that is hurting me and those around me.

Yes, that all sounds harsh. If you think about it you may agree in its truth as well. The tough road is changing old ways, being OK with it, and moving forward no matter how many times you fall backwards….

Loving yourself is a hard thing. It’s a rollercoaster ride and most times I have no idea I am on the fast downhill part until it’s too late. It’s too late when my husband points out that I am being defensive in an everyday normal conversation. It’s too late when I have already avoided certain people, topics, activities. It’s too late when I am correcting my kids and not praising them for their amazing effort and tackling something differently than I would. It’s too late when I self loathe. It’s too late when I choose not to push forward, fight for being heard or seen. It’s too late when I give up and give in because I feel unworthy.

Now I wouldn’t say I hate myself or that I don’t even love myself I just don’t think I am what others say about me. Being confined by perfectionism is the curse in all of this. I am far better at dealing with perfectionism than years past but it is still the monster that resides under my bed and makes an appearance from time to time. Outwardly it is not as evident as it was once but internally is a whole different story. I feel awkward with most compliments from others, even including my husband. If I feel I have totally succeeded, left little to no room for improvement then I can happily and gratefully accept a compliment. BUT, if I feel it was not my best, needs work, don’t  see myself how the compliment giver sees me than I feel awkward because I don’t feel I deserve the praise.

I find it ironic that I am one of those compliment givers and find it odd when others say things like “it wasn’t that great” or “I don’t deserve this.” I know how others feel when I look to them and say the same yet I go back and forth on being O.K. with accepting compliments or not.

So this perfectionism thing has its good points and its bad points.

Goals: It creates goals for me and pushes me forward. I have a drive and determination unlike most which allows me to do what I set out to do.

Focus: The bad point of this is the focus that comes with it, I get blinded in my determination to the other parts of life and neglect other areas and people at times.

Expectations: I have a high standard for most things because I know it is attainable. I put a lot of expectations on myself, sometimes I put those on others because it is what is natural for me and I, at times assume it is natural for others. When I have not met my expectations I do not feel worthy of an “at a boy” or the like.

Taking charge: This is my down side to expectations. Because I feel something can be accomplished or completed in a particular manner I have a huge tendency to step in, take over, and not ask for help. I’d much rather not be pleased with myself if it fails than someone else. In a twisted view I see this as taking the load off others if I just knock it out when in fact most times I am robbing them of a blessing or making them feel less than.

Trying to keep the good points of how I see my perfectionism and throw out the bad is difficult. It is a moment by moment choice that requires thought and self assessment. I struggle with because I quickly get immersed in the task as I stated above and am not thinking of the rest of life.

This is also an exhausting battle. It is much easier to slip into the easy side of things when life is stressed, when I am tired or things are busy. I can easily focus on the physical need for the day, what HAS to be done today task and put aside everything emotional. That’s the easy part for me… what I slip into the old me who doesn’t have the energy to give to others routine. This doesn’t bode well for relationships. In fact it sends the relationship on a rollercoaster ride that is not enjoyable. All of which I am trying to overcome, to change my normal patterns. 

Lately I have been forcing myself to only do what the day requires. Do I NEED to do laundry today? Do I NEED to make a new batch of bread? Do I HAVE to go to the grocery? Do the decorations HAVE to be changed out today? If the answer is no I don’t do it unless I feel like it or the day allows. I am working to not have a long to do list each day that HAS to be knocked out before bed. This allows time for self, relationships and taking it easy. All of which do not create stress or anxiety and therefore my home, my marriage, my interaction with the kids is enriched, enjoyable and pleasant. Patience is longer, attention is sharper and we all feel loved.

Only if each day could seem as easy and relaxed as that; but honestly it is not and I do have days, it almost cyclical, that I get into the lets crank out today and tomorrows to do list regardless of the rest of life. It is almost like I can only handle things for so long before I dive in head first to perfect what I feel needs perfecting. I really can feel it most of the time, there is a physical urge to dive in but as I try to fight it but it grows stronger and before I know it I am 8 hours into a project without a thought as to the rest of the day or family. I am trying to navigate that feeling and urgency. Is it something I should succumb to and not fight to help ease the intensity? I am not sure yet. I am still learning and trying out things to reverse old and bad habits that are not fruitful to my relationships. If only I had a siren that went out off loudly with a blinking red light to warn me that I am on the verge of getting too immersed, focused on perfectionism and am about ready neglect to relationships.

29
Jan
14

MY Family

Lately I have been going through notebooks, folders and computer files and reading things I have written. I did not realize how much I actually write. I have been moved by quite a few of my notes, poems, letters and journal entries. I think it is easy to forget exactly how you feel in a moment. It is one reason I write about big things, emotional things so often…I can be transported back to that moment. All of it is a great reminder to how I am living this life, how I feel, what I think about the things that happen to me and my family and how I feel about them in those moments.

I may be posting some of those things on here from time to time. Today I am going to start with My Family

crazy famThe family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money,  mocking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

The husbandJ at Great Wall

He’s the lead strange one… He’s never where he should be but always there when you need him… He can be late, wrong, right, uninterested, and intensely focused. He can rarely read minds but continues to try none the less… Clearly he loves his family deeply… His wife… a lover, best friend, confidant, critic, and cheerleader… She knows him better than he knows him self… His kids… a wild and unruly bunch with so much energy, love, and mischief wrapped up in such small packages… the pillars of his life… he knows that without them everything he knows will crumble in on itself… He is himself thru each of them… love, life, and… family.

bThe wife 

She is the OCD one… Always has a schedule and breathes better when things are clean and organized. She knows what everyone else needs more than she knows her own needs. She loves to be creative and even more she loves to have family and friends fill her home. She will cook you a great meal and make sure you laugh or cry, whatever it is you need. You will leave feeling better and she will be sad to see you go but anticipates the next visit. She adores the hugs, kisses and naps she gets with her kids, she only wishes the naps together happened more often. Her husband is her opposite and they make it work seamlessly, well most of the time. He is a compliment to her. He helps her to see her worth and beauty. Her kids…she wants the best for them and she worries over their future…who they will be, how they will love, and her strongest desire for them is so to seek God, find Him and be a person after His heart. She prays that their happiness comes from loving and caring for others not for fame or fortune.

The First Born T bb 2014

So the oldest is confident. She knows who she is and what she wants. Her beauty is wonderful. She is sensitive and caring. She directs and reports on all the family’s events, both public and private. She takes after her mother. She is highly competitive and creative always looking for ways to turn an ordinary Tuesday into and extra-ordinary party. She loves her daddy and is always finding ways to remain close to him and show him love. She seeks his approval and seems uncomfortable with her mothers suggestions. She likes to be in charge. She will be a leader in a great way one day. She is so smart but the fear of messing up keeps her second guessing herself at times.

hannah 2014Next in line is the blonde.

She is extremely intelligent but easily distracted. She will blow you away with her creativity and problem solving. She loves big; always seeking for the cuddle, hug, kiss or touch. She doesn’t know how to love any less than to love more than she has got. She is quite determined. Her beauty… breathtaking… Her way of thinking about things has always been beyond her years. She is her own person, proud to be unique…she wears it as a badge of honor. Center of attention? Yes! She loves to makes jokes and be funny. When she likes something it becomes an obsession and she will be an expert on the subject before you know what hit you.

The boy…cub scout josh

He is all heart. He was born chivalrous. He is sensitive to you and wants nothing more than your love and approval. He is a care taker; he will be a great provider one day. He adores his sisters. He admires his father and wants to be like him. His mother is who he watches out for; when she is not alright he is concerned and is there to make her feel better. He is his little sisters best play mate and strongest protector.

Mercie 1-2014The baby girl…

She was a joy filled surprise. She loves to laugh. She loves the chase. Her hugs are the best! She is also determined and opinionated. She will not accept you quickly; you must earn her attention and love. She is more like her mama than the others. She is picky, knows how she wants things, just like her mama. She is the ultimate cuddler, can’t resist lying on her mama and she will fall asleep in an instant. She loves to swing; we can only wonder what the love of the wind in your hair and the flight will lead to.

card 2013

17
Jan
14

New Years Eve

Yes, I am 17 days late. Oh well.

We had a family New Years Eve party with games, firecrackers, questions about the past year, and smores. We all had fun. Everyone was a good sport, thank you daddy! The 3 younger boys did not make it to midnight, they lasted until 11 or so.

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23
Nov
13

This girl!

bubbie and hHannah started in this world as her own person, on her own terms and as she saw fit. She was the only child to come out on her own, without help and boy she came fast and furious. It was barely 3 hours from the first contraction to holding her in my arms. She came out as a fighter and demanding things her way unlike the rest of our kiddos. She was moments old when we took the first picture of J holding her and that was the only time he held her and she was not screaming for the next year. She could be hard asleep, limp and nothing could wake her until I passed her to J and she would scream and pitch a fit until I took her from him, as you can imagine that made our first year with Hannah stressful as parents and a couple.
Hannah wouldn’t sleep by herself until she was almost one; J and I slept apart for many months due to this. He needed the sleep so he could still function at work so Hannah and I slept in her room. I should say Hannah slept like a baby, I did not most nights. Her sleeping position of choice was my neck and despite moving her many times she always managed to crawl back on my neck in her sleep. Sleep training was tough too. We listened to her cry for 30+ minutes most nights. We tried everything… and all the stuff everyone tells you not to do. Blankets, pillows, lovey’s, I even took my shirt off as I laid her in bed each night so she had my scent with her. Nap time was even tougher. I wanted so desperately for Taylor and Hannah to nap at the same time because that was the only 2 hours of the day I could nap or wash clothes or eat. Randomly one day after I put Taylor down for a nap I sat on the couch with Hannah hoping she would settle down and relax. I turned on CMT and before the first song was over she was out cold and I could even transition her to her crib without waking her. So that became our routine, turn on CMT when Hannah needed to fall asleep.

Hannah is the girl that has kept me guessing and on my toes more than her siblings ever have.

She was a fighter not only with sleep but car seats and shopping.

She bit me a lot during feedings and when we moved her to a bottle she refused every bottle and nipple until we were at the absolutely last brand, style and flow rate that was available. Little did we know that was setting the tone for who she is.

She was climbing before crawling to grab knives off the magnet bar and use them as drumsticks.

She was a hider, stealth like too. She hid from us and hid her things. She remembered her hiding places for her passy and made new ones when we found out her old hiding places. She would go to bed without a passy when were weaning her off of them and I would get her up and she would have 2. And yes, we made sure her bed was passy free. I always wondered why she never seemed sad about not having anymore passy’s. We were passy free for about a month, so I thought, till one day I found her playing and she had at least 6 of them. About a year or more of no passy we moved from CA to TX and in packing and moving we found handfuls of passy’s.

She was walking by 10 months; on her own we never helped her.

She potty trained herself before she was 2, never had an accident.

Thanks to her we had to paint 3 rooms and a hall way in our rental in CA because she used the walls as her canvas. Then it was her head board and footboard. She has used many items as her canvas and many more as her artist tools to color and paint with, some have not typical artist tools and required disinfecting areas.

She is her father daughter. It goes beyond her looks. They have the same brain, way of thinking and seeing the world. All of which is opposite form me so clashing of the minds and frustration is frequent.

She is a genius in her artistic skills. Her math and science thinking goes beyond her age and she is successful in those subjects with great ease. She knows her skills surpass mine and there are things she will not come to me with or talk to be about. In her words it’s “mom you just won’t get it.” Although that hurts I know I cannot be everything to everyone and I am so glad she has her daddy who fills in in ways I cannot.

She is a deep thinker and a deeper emotional soul. Things touch her in deeply and ways they do not touch others.

She is a snuggler, loves hugs, kisses and closeness.

She is funny, silly and her creativity is astounding. She likes to be in the spotlight.

She is passionate and sometimes it comes across and misunderstood as anger, lack of understanding of others, and over the top.

She is her own person and has always been her own person. Before age two she demanded her own style and I fought (far too long) on getting her to wear what I wanted her to wear. I gave in and although it was tough for me it was the best thing I could do for her and me. Since preschool all her teachers have raved about how Hannah is unique, her own person who is confident in herself style and abilities.

She cares deeply about everyone. If you ask her how she is doing you better be prepared for her to ask you and wait for an answer, then ask you what you did that day, what was good about it and what you plan to do later. And, yes she will listen intently and remember what you said and then ask you about things later.

She fights us on food, mainly produce.

She is not a good speller and hates having to do it. She sees no need for it.

She knows who is at her level intellectually and who is not. Those above her level she likes to talk to, ask questions and collaborate with. But she is good to not make those below her level feel inferior. She likes to help them and challenge them.

She loves to be around people and have fun but she relishes her quiet time to be alone and decompress and create.

She has been building since she was very young. She has used blocks, recyclables, paper, wood, anything she has to make cities, swings, contraptions, doll houses… it is amazing how she sees objects and what their potential is.

She is particular and some perfectionism is coming out.

She gets anxious and although you wouldn’t know it due to her confidence she wants others to accept her just as she is without change, without question.

She is a hippy, beauty queen, rocket scientist, rap song writer, deep thinking builder, math genius who loves to know how the world works and why blessing I have in my life. We are different thinkers and viewers of the world that has caused us to clash at times but my world is richer and sweeter with her in it.
She has always been the child I have had to watch out for more than the others. With her many food allergies, anxiety issues, deep focus on her thoughts she misses the world around her at times I stay on my game. As she is getting older we are determined she take a leadership role in making sure she is safe by always asking questions about food she eats, reading labels, not taking it for granted, knowing how to use her epi-pen, not eating something she wants because she is unsure of ingredients and making sure she can walk through the day without her hand being held. She wants to travel to Europe like Taylor did but the things listed above have J and I concerned about her going….so we sent her to VA for a week to be with Bubbie and Callie. He flew here for work and to fly with her but she will be flying home solo. She has to teach them about food allergies and show them she is in charge of it.

This is not the first time Hannah has been away from us. At least once a year our kids are with other family members, camps etc, for a few days to 2 weeks. But Hannah has not been so required to be in charge of her allergy like this and travel alone. However, something is different about this trip that has me all emotional and crying like I never have before. Maybe it is the letting go of the control, not passing the reins over as tightly before and learning to trust that Hannah has to learn to stay safe with food and in places she is not use to. I have complete faith and confidence in Bubbie and Callie and I know all 3 will have a marvelous time; they are very similar to Hannah in many ways. I guess I never knew how much of my time, even sub consciously, that I focus on Hannah and making sure she is safe, OK, and making sure I am talking to and interacting with her in a way she can understand since we are different thinkers. This trip is her growing up and I have having to let go a little. I just was not expecting this and then being emotional on top of it all.

She has a fun and busy week planned that address all of her strengths and interests. I cannot wait to hear about it and see all the things she creates. So glad our family is close and eager to have my children and love them like their own. We are blessed on both sides for our kids to have time with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

11
Nov
13

Basketball

We have a basketball player in the house!!!!!!!!!

Tryouts lasted a week and we all were on the edge of our seats to find out the results. We are so proud of Taylor. She was bummed out when she did not make the volleyball team but now we have one happy kiddo!!

t basket ball

10
Nov
13

Camping

Last weekend we embarked on our first camping trip as a family. This was a first time thing for 4 of us. We all had so much fun and started planning our next trip on the way home.
It was a cold night, got down to 38 degrees and the kids learned they should have listened and brought more layers. Lots of fun with friends and Joshua’s Cub Scout Troop

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